prayer

I've never thought of myself as particularly good at prayer. I've also had a hard time understanding how one carries on continual prayer and conversation with the Lord daily. If conversation is what you call it. Since I stopped going to church, reading the Bible and actively pursuing learning what Christ taught, it's been getting harder and harder to apply myself towards a life centered around what God definitely has in store for me. Duh. I could go on about this or that but what I really want to write about right now is prayer and what prayer is like in regards to myself.

Prayer is hard. The times when I do pray its usually over something that's going wrong (or seems to be at least) in my life. "I need this taken care of. This hurts, fix it. Do this, do that. I feel guilty. Etc." And that feels wrong to me. To shut out the Lord when things are good and only pray when it's convenient for myself or I feel I need help. When I pray, it all feels jumbled. It's hard to concentrate. Like you're searching for a radio station and keep missing the frequency. It's no surprise why I don't pray often. I don't understand it very well and the less you do it, the easier it is to not do it. I think.

So this is what I've doing. There are a ton of things about my life that need change. A lot of things I'm comfortable with and a lot that I'm uncomfortable with. Most of which though, is probably not in the Lord's big picture. So for the last two months or so, I've focused all of my strength on drinking. Something I've been doing a lot of for the last three years. It's not something I'm proud of and something that the Lord has been telling me needs to stop. It became a problem a long time ago. From the friends I made after Lindsay left. With touring and the bands. And now especially within the Applebees environment.

Every morning I go surfing, I say a prayer. Right on the shore before the sun starts coming out. I'm usually one of the only few out and I say it while I'm putting my leash on. I say it then because I'm so excited about surfing and happy to be there it's hard to think about anything else besides jumping into the water, thus I have to concentrate really hard and force everything out of my mind. I ask the Lord to watch over Mom and Bill and Adam and Zoe in Vegas. I ask him to watch over the two of you. I thank him for another day of health and the gift of being able to enjoy the things He has created. I ask him for strength to change things in my life that seem almost impossible to do anything about by myself. I ask him to work through me for the rest of the day. I tell him I want to be a role model to the people I am around and that I want to be an inspiration to those who are looking for one. And then soon enough I've finished paddling out past the breaks to the ocean and then I surf and it's nice.

I have a long ways to go on a road I know I'll never find the end to. But I've given up alcohol for good and everyone knows it. You guys, my coworkers, the Lord, Dad, everyone. It gives me the same apprehension I felt before ever telling anyone I had begun to write a novel. If I can't follow through, then everyone knows it. And that's a scary feeling.

But it's been about four weeks since I've stopped. It's getting easier. I'm noticing things about life I couldn't enjoy before. I feel a sense of confidence. The buzz around Applebee's is that I've given it up for good. Managers have asked me why, coworkers have asked why (some with their noses up) and I tell them because I just cant afford it. And it's true. In more ways than one. But I feel its best just to say it that way so I don't put anyone on the defensive or single anything out. It hasn't been easy sitting out on going out with friends, but then again, it hasn't been too hard either. If that makes sense. But you know what I heard last night? My coworker Jenn text me saying she was having a beer at Applebees and that she felt left out. When I asked her why she said "everyone gave it up."

That sense of apprehension, the pressure of following through. I think that's what I'll be giving to the Lord in the mornings before I paddle out.


Stage two of my fish tank is up and operational. Water is in it, the filters and pumps are working. The substrate is settling at the bottom. I've been working on getting the salinity just right and testing the pH levels and for nitrites and so forth. Lots of work. I can't believe how well it's been going though. Saltwater tanks seem so fragile, like they need meticulous care. I'm sure they do but I thought I'd for sure screw something up by now. We'll see how well it goes once we get some hermit crabs and stuff in. I hope my tank is habitable.

you can see the substrate at the bottom of it. Next step is looking for live rock off of the reef down at San Onofre.






The protein skimmer. This sucker cost a chunk out of my tips but is essential for a saltwater aquarium. It sucks water from the tank through a little pump (black thing inside the corner of the tank) and then creates a vortex of water within the large tube hanging on the side. It pumps these bubbles back into the water, catching the waste particles in the top chamber. The bubbles then catch more protein wastes within the tank and provide plenty of oxygen. It's neat to look at it. Kind of looks like something from the OOZE factory in teenage mutant ninja turtles.

It's been a year since my first fix of 24. I picked up season 2 last weekend and have been gratuitously enjoying it since. In this one, terrorists have armed a nuclear bomb in Los Angeles and Jack Bauer is trying to find it. Totally beefy. I'm about 6 hours into, meaning 6 episodes. I'm probably going to have Homeland Security knocking on my door tomorrow for the third sentence in this paragraph, just realized.


i found an acoustic version of an old Rufio song online right now. Reminds me of sophomore year. Has it already been six years? man...

Saltwater Aquariums by Animal Planet
B+
Great to read if you're interested in starting up a saltwater aquarium. If you're not, then it probably isn't. It's pretty adamant that you follow what the book instructs and nothing of what other people tell you. They quote a lot of things as "myths" so I found that kind of odd. But Animal Planet is a pretty distinguished publishing company so I guess they can't be too far off from right. I've got my tank pretty set up from reading it. This book is only for beginners, there is nothing of value for those interested in the chemistry of ocean water or the specifics of certain species of fish and invertebrates.

How We Are Hungry by Dave Eggers
C
A collection of passages about various people. Some chapters are only a page or two long, while others may be fifty. I don't quite understand what connection they all have with each other, if they have any. Some don't even seem to have any significance. Like the one about a father building a tree house for his daughter and how he had to have at least three walls up before she came home. Others consist of a woman learning how to surf down in Costa Rica while falling in love with a friend. Another is of a man riding a horse across Egypt. A woman who climbs Kilimanjaro. I enjoy Eggers' work, but I don't believe the profanity is necessary towards creating believable dialogue. I'm beginning to think he's a great writer but that he hasn't honed his skills towards creating a polished novel accessible towards a larger percentage of readers. Like a diamond in the rough I guess.



Hope you guys feel better soon!